Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize