Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
