Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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