She is in my trunk
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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