he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
