How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
