if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
