There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
