Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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