My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she looked like the before picture.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
