she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
