I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
