So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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