I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
