Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
