I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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