if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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