and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
