Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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