I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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