he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
