The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
