I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
