I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize