You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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