This house was built for laser tag.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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