Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
