Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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