I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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