well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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