My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
