I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
