I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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