She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
