please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
