Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize