Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
