I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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