This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
