Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
