Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
