Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
