I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
