ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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