I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
