im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
