I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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