I swear god or herbie drove my car home
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
