you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She even gives head with a lisp.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
