Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
