Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
