...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
