dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
