I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
