One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
