he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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