Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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