she looked like the bat from fern gully.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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