im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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