I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I need moral support for this bender
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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