where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
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