If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
