I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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