I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
